Amanda Hodges and Peter Jamrogiewicz split their household bills for almost four years.
The electric bill, the water bill and half the rent came out of his bank account, the cable bill and half the rent from hers.
Fresh off their backyard wedding earlier this summer, though, the Denver newlyweds decided it was time to unite not only their lives, but their checkbooks.
Into one pot flows her income from her job in continuing medical education and his income as a chef. Out comes all of their household and personal expenses — including the occasional pair of pricey running shoes for Hodges, an avid runner.
“We have an understanding that it’s ours — not his or hers,” Hodges said. “It all goes to the same goal. We’re going forward together.”
And well before walking down the aisle, Hodges also came clean, financially speaking.
As nervous as she was to admit it, she explained to Jamrogiewicz that she had “student loans up the wazoo,” as well as some credit-card debt. He was debt-free.
“You have to be honest. You have to swallow your pride,” Hodges said. “If you can’t be honest, especially about finances, you’re just going to dig a deeper hole. And then it’s not going to be about finances anymore.”
The route Hodges and Jamrogiewicz took to financial union is one of many options available to dual-earning couples today.
There is no right or wrong way, either, so long as you’re open, honest and working toward the same, shared goals, said Rebecca Kennedy, a certified financial planner and owner of Kennedy Financial Planning in Denver.
“You can keep your money separate as long as you still have joint discussion and joint goals — which I would think you would want to have anyway,” Kennedy said.
Kennedy herself is a proponent of a “his, hers and theirs” approach, which can be a good middle ground between “all-in” and “all-separate.”
Each partner gets a set, monthly “allowance” — either a specific dollar amount or percentage of their income — to spend on small discretionary items, like clothes, coffee and books, without criticism or questioning from the other person, she said. Everything else goes into a joint “theirs” account to cover household expenses, larger purchases and long-term saving goals.
No matter which option you choose, though, it’s 100 percent OK to change your mind, tweak the numbers or switch your approach entirely, Kennedy said.
“I don’t think anyone can just dive right into it and come up with a perfect solution the minute the ink is dry on the marriage license,” she said. “You have to see how things go.”
The key to success, financial planners and relationship counselors agree, is open and ongoing discussions about money, both before and after the wedding.
“You can’t have one conversation and (think), ‘we’ve talked about money, check,’ ” said Patricia Seaman, an accredited financial counselor and senior director at the National Endowment for Financial Education. “It doesn’t work like that.”
Ideally, those discussions would start before any talk of engagement, said Gretchen Kelmer, a psychologist and director of The Happy Couple, which offers premarital counseling in Denver.
“Once there’s a ring on your finger, people are less likely to critically evaluate whether this is a person they’ll ultimately be financially compatible with,” Kelmer said.
Understandably, many couples are hesitant to start what can be a difficult, scary and sometimes awkward conversation. Kelmer’s advice: Put down the spreadsheets, at least initially.
“The No. 1 mistake I see engaged couples making is jumping right into the numbers. They start with spreadsheets and budgets and account statements without ever taking the time to understand one another’s financial beliefs and expectations,” Kelmer said.
“The most challenging talks about money don’t have anything to do with numbers. To understand the numbers, you have to understand your relationship with money, as well as your partner’s.”
Instead, she said, a great place to start is by talking about the way money was handled in your family growing up. Listen, but don’t judge.
Before your wedding day, though, do make sure to sit down with your partner and your credit scores and talk about debt, she said.
Ultimately, it’s about more than just dollars and cents. Money, Kelmer said, is tied to core relationship issues, such as power, control, independence and dependence, trust and security.
“Talking about these things sooner rather than later is one of the best things a couple can do to give themselves a good shot at a long and happy relationship for life,” Kelmer said. “It’s no secret — financial conflict is a major factor in many divorces.”
According to a survey released earlier this year and sponsored by the National Endowment for Financial Education, one-third of U.S. adults who have combined finances have deceived their partner, by hiding a purchase or lying about debts.
The financial infidelity had an impact on the relationship in 76 percent of cases, causing arguments, reducing trust or worse.
“It doesn’t have to be $50,000 in credit-card debt,” Seaman said. “Even relatively small amounts can put that initial wedge into a marriage and start to create that mistrust when it comes to money.”
Some surveyed said they lied because they believe money is private, but the majority said they lied because they were ashamed or afraid of their partner’s reaction, Seaman said.
“It’s better to put everything out on the table and work through it and understand what your values and goals are than to hide stuff,” Seaman said. “It’s all about trust and communication.”
Emilie Rusch: 303-954-2457, erusch@denverpost.com or twitter.com/emilierusch
